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the hidden grief

July 30, 2017 | by Joy Wirta

“The Hidden Grief”

As this blog may be controversial for some, please remember, this is my story, and my journey of a loss of a different nature. University of Rochester states that grief happens for multiple reasons. Possibly you could have had a loss of employment, pet, divorce, and separation, maybe a parent has passed away, or a spouse, the list can be long, but there is one that I have yet to discuss, with Dragonfly Advisory Services.

I have kept this blog of loss, grief and what to do next till this Sunday Share for a very good reason, as my milestone birthday comes in a couple days and I turn 50, it also brings to light a different form of grief, “The Hidden Grief”. You see for those readers that do not know this, I was adopted. The term used growing up loving by siblings was “the chosen one”. 50 years ago on August 1, 1967 I was born Darla Tina, my birthmother at that time had a grief of her own, one that she had to go through in silence and secrecy, but it was still a grief and loss. Often the professionals play it out as it is the solutions to everyone’s problems, and it suits all parties involved. I have to question, did my birthmother have to hide her grief for the loss of her child, that became another’s? I am positive her grief was very real, but well hidden. As the adopted child I can truthfully say that I also grieve for the loss of my birthmother, no doubt or question, that the identity of who I was prior to by adoption is now non-existent, and the value of my heritage. I was one of the very fortunate ones in life, I was loved from the moment of conception, named by my birthmother, was privileged of information. I was told that when my mom and dad seen me for the first time, I brought them unconditional joy and hence the name change. A lot of who I am and what I do, is because of my mom and dad, they were always very open about my adoption, and never let me forget that my mother loved me enough to give me a name, and they loved me enough to make me theirs. On August 1 of each year, I am positive that she grieves in her own manner, as I do.

Since the inception of Dragonfly Advisory Services, over the last year, we have had many conversations about loss, and grief in many forms, but yet to discuss adoption and the emotions of loss. My parents would be proud to know, that I have started a dialogue today of “The Hidden Grief” for all the parties involved, I have always been proud of my adoption, and have no shame. For all intent and purposes my birthparents, made a choice and I was the one which “won the draw”. Remember grief does come in all forms. Till next time…….

Author

Joy Wirta

Owner of Dragonfly

Joy Wirta is a lifetime resident of the Sudbury Area, where she was born and raised her family. She has been involved as a volunteer for over 20 years serving on many committees and boards across the region.

Employed with over a decade of service with Canada Revenue Agency, she holds to great value confidentiality and privacy.

After dealing with personal losses herself, she recognized a need for a support program within our community to deal with the affairs after a family has said their final goodbyes.